You are mistaken if you think that I’m going to wait for you. You are mistaken if you think that I like you. I thought you were different and fun. I now know that you’re only fun, but not any different from any guy that I have ever known.
Don’t hold your breath for anything. I’m not going to pursue you.
My past often remains unspoken,
Fear, worry, insecurity…so unwilling to show my exposed soul,
By unlocking the doors of a time that I don’t want to remember,
The shadows may breathe again.
Yet the past makes me stronger,
And that, I do not fear.
Childhood —
transient, but permanent.
Lessons ingrained, numbers learned, innocence lived.
Kindergarten — sitting and waiting to be invited to the playground,
I was picked last.
Grade three — resting my head on the table waiting for a thumb to touch mine,
Was picked last,
Grade five, standing on the dodgeball lines waiting to be chosen,
Picked last,
Grade ten, waiting on the field for a game of Frisbee,
Last.
Most of my life I have been last.
Knowing my existence was least cherished,
The heat of the eyes of those already picked,
Feeling humiliation as I joined the team that didn’t actually want me.
It all hurt.
I was never smart enough,
Never athletic enough,
Never fun enough
to be anything more than last.
Darkness fell onto my life,
And it didn’t leave for a years to come,
Insecurities,
These silent wars,
Those fights within us,
Those are the hardest battles to win.
Silent thoughts,
Unspoken but felt,
Those are the hardest to ignore.
And the inner battles,
Wondering if we’re enough,
Enough for him,
Enough for her,
Enough for them.
To inadequacy,
I write to you.
I’m may not pretty enough,
Not smart enough,
Not fun enough,
for the people that choose not to see.
But I am good enough.
for the people that love me for me.
I am good enough to be happy,
I am good enough for my dreams.
I may be a loser,
but I’m a content loser,
And though I may be last,
But rest assured, nothing is forever.
Sincerely, me.
Today my group branched off to our home laboratory for the next few weeks and it was surprisingly so huge inside. The building is discreet and for the most part, hard to find even out on the streets (which I assume is because of all the expensive equipment they have). I was taking a tour around the lab area and I loved seeing all the chemicals and instruments. The other interns and other employees are all so friendly.
We’re officially doing the lab work tomorrow! I’m pretty giddy, I have to admit.
Today we had orientation day, and I had to admit I was shocked to see such a young looking guy to be one of the directors of the program, but of course, age does not determine intelligence and capacity. He has done fascinating work and his co-director is so intelligent as well. She’s the kind of person that you can immediately tell is very well respected because of her kind-heartedness. She’s so bubbly and is young. I like them and look up to them already.
We had introductions, there were about 12 students and 7 teachers. It was very interesting to meet all the different personalities that have come from so many different backgrounds. I’m working with these two guys for the rest of the summer and they both seem quite interesting. I hope I can actually open up to them since they are the only two people my age in the group. We then went on a campus tour, had a safety lecture, had lunch, watched what would hopefully be the culmination of our hard work, and just discussed more about ourselves.
As for our project, I can’t disclose, but I am really excited to explore something never explored before. I can’t wait to see if this real life experience is something I truly want to do in the future as my career or not.
Oh these thoughts….
I may not have guys running after me to get to know me.
I may not have exquisite charm
I may tend to make a fool of myself
I may never get noticed
And for the times I do, it’s for my stupidity.
But wait!
I’m not giving up,
Because I believe love exists,
He’s somewhere…somewhere out there
He’s breathing,
he laughs, and he smiles
And knowing that, is good enough for now.
I know that I make mistakes,
I know that I may be a fool,
but — I will keep making these mistakes
being the fool,
Because I never know unless I try,
He may just love me for the very same reasons.
That’s the thing with people — you can’t expect too much out of them. They have their own lives to live, they have their own problems to worry about, and to assume that they have the duty to live up to your expectations is just harsh. Not impossible, but harsh. Everybody falls down, everyone goes through their own hardships, no matter how hard they may be. I’m a person that used to expect great things from my own friendships, but as I have learned from being a friend and having friends, great things come when you least expect them to. Honesty is the best policy, and I’m sure that will carry alot of friendships through a life. The higher the expectation, the greater to fall from disappointment.
It really all based on perspective. It’s like looking up at an airplane flying above your head, sluggishly moving to its destination. But in the pilot’s sight, the plane is moving about 500 miles an hour, faster than I can even fathom. I guess that’s one way to better understand life. I may think I know something the way it is supposed to be known, but I may have it all wrong. Perspective can morph into a curse, but it’s all in where we stand as people. It’s what makes us human.
If you ever end up liking someone because your lives are so parallel, remember that parallel lines never do end up crossing.
